On marathon running and Silos

Dear Dave,

Thanks for mentioning what you did about the slower runners; sometimes I get intimidated by all the talk of Boston qualifiers and personal bests and I don't feel I belong among the speedy runners.

Signed First Timer,

Dear FT,

You know, in my talks across North America I speak about the concept of "silos". We tend to classify other people and put them in silos or catagories and that limits us in many ways.

We see a fast runner and characterize them as "elite". We see someone going for a personal best and we rationalize "I could never do that, they must be intense."

This tendency is reinforced by our desire to stick with people who look, sound and run at the same speed. That's why 4:30 marathoners tend to stick together and 3:45 marathoners have the same inclination (it's no different in society, just look at how people form religions, political parties, sports teams and then classify others because they are ...different).

In a marathon class (as in business and life ), I define courage as someone who perseveres through adversity.

I admire "a speedy runner" because (independent of their natural talent and genetics) they have stuck to a plan, watched their nutrition and spent a lot of lonely hours on their own running towards a goal. For example, did you know it took one of our runners 5 marathons to qualify for Boston and that she is always astonished when she hears someone refer to her as an "elite"?

I admire a first time marathon runner for exactly the same reason: they are chasing a goal. And for one more reason as well. Did you know that a lot of faster runners cannot physically run for the length of time some of you can? Did you hear Joe's comments when he had to lead the 4 hour pace group on a long run? It was very difficult on his body to run at that pace for such a long period of time. When a 3:15 marathoners comes across the finishing line, they are very tired. But some of you will be running for another 2-3 hours as well! They literally cannot do what some of you will be doing.

The people I truly admire the most are the people who resist the silo mentality. They have the spirit to run towards a dream but they take the time to speak with the people just starting their own dream. Their speed AND their empathy are the reasons they inspire you. I call them "good guys."

One last thought for all of you. As you get faster, fitter and firmer, you will be tempted to hang around others who are even more fast, fit and firmer.

You'll start to build your own silo. Others will be reluctant to speak with you... they'll classify you as an elite and then they will start to judge you.

So don't just hang around your one or two friends. Make an effort to speak to people ourside your group. And whether they are in another pace group, are of another age, a religion or a nationality...I'll bet you will find you have more in common that you reaize.

You just need to make the effort.

Every once in awhile

For those of you who have attended one of my Knocking down Silos talks, you will understand my concept of "the good guy." This is a gender neutral quality that epitomizes knowledge, personality, reliability and altruism. It is my firm conviction that human history is populated by great people (aka "good guys") who inspire others to follow them by their vision and their desire to serve others.

Humans are hard-wired to talk about others and a "good-guy reputation" is invaluable whether finding a job, leading a company, looking for investors or asking others to follow you over the ramparts and into a hail of bullets.

But every once in awhile you meet the opposite. An associate recently related how his company has severed their professional relationship with a client company precisely because of the personality of its leader.

In his words, " this guy's personality is worth a mention in the next KDS as to how to run a company into the ground by ticking off service providers and his own people!!"

Further inquiry reveals a president who is brilliant in his field but arrogant, abrupt and inconsiderate with employees and his service providers. It's an interesting insight that, although bricks and mortar have no personality, a company actually takes on the personality of its leader.

Does his ego allow him to look in the mirror and admit that his personality is affecting his bottom line?

Does he realize that his employees and service providers (bankers, accountants, lawyers, recruiter etc) will slam the book on his company's file at 5pm on a Friday afternoon as they won't go that extra mile when their spouse and kids are asking them to come home?

Does he blame the turnover and low morale in his company on himself or does he look for external factors?

Do the shareholders in his company know that his personality is affecting the bottom line?

Moral of the story: 20% of society is made up of "good guys" 79% are people who have the ability to achieve that persona (especially if they come to Knocking down Silos!) But every once in awhile you meet a psycho. Learn from them, be cautious of them, but don't let them affect how you treat the rest of society.

Or as my dad ( a 30 year veteran of the Canadian military) would say of an inept officer:

The only way anyone would follow that guy...is out of curiosity.

Knocking down Silos Continues!

If you were one of the 161 participants at Knocking Down Silos at the Living Arts Centre on April 23, thanks so much for coming...and this posting is for you!

I just finished the book "Wikinomics" (how mass collaboration changes everything) and I would like to try something new.

I want to provide you with an interactive way to continue to provide value to people in attendence who you didn't meet.

Please click "comments" below and post a comment:

- tell us a little bit about who you are and what you got out of the KDS evening.

- tell us what you do for fun on weekends

- tell us your greatest challenge so we can help you (be specific eg use a top 10 list)

- offer to help the rest of us

Then check back on this blog to help others and to see who is offering to help you. (you may or may not choose to leave your contact information - everyone at the seminar should have your email and phone number).

The Summary PDF for the evening is here. More on strategic networking and questions to ask when people introduce you to folks on your " hit list are here.

My mailing address (in case you need it) is

Dave Howlett

c/ The MAGNES Group

1540 Cornwall Rd Ste 100

Oakville, ON

L6J 7W5

905 845 9793 x322

Let's keep the buzz going until the next KDS!

Dave

There's only so many people...

Kelly Osborne, as quoted by Sarah Hampson in the Globe and Mail 25 March, 2007:

And I'd pretend that I was big and tough by having a big mouth and telling everyone to f*** off, but there's only so many people that you can tell to f*** off and say you hate before there's no one left, and you realize, well, maybe it's me that's the asshole, not them.

Using Knocking down Silos as a Business Development Tool

On April 23, in Mississauga, we are running another "Knocking Down Silos" and inviting the Life Science Community to attend. Many of the industry associates I know use "Knocking down Silos" as a business development tool. Can I show you how to do this as well?

It may help you get more sales or receive that great job offer. If you have been to a "Knocking down Silos" event, you know it is an interactive evening that reviews the basics of proper networking behaviour. Hundreds of people show up to learn how to increase their effectiveness in the business (and personal) world.

Every 20 minutes, people have to turn to the person next to them and ask key questions (e.g. "what's your biggest challenge and how can I help you?). Here is a video preview. Who would you like sitting next to you when they ask you that question? Then invite them!

1. Download the PDF of the April 23 Event.
This event is filling fast, please ensure you have registered.

2. Send the PDF to people you either know or wish to get to know better. These could be clients, prospects, key industry people, potential bosses. Many people in life science know the importance of networking but have never been shown how to do it.

You can simply forward the email with your endorsement.

Here's an paraphrased email I saw come across my desk from Peter West:

Normally I don’t send out these types of flyers to marketing events, but I will make an exception for Howlett’s talk on networking skills called “Knocking down Silos”

Here's another on a bulletin board by Jim Love - another "good guy!"

If you haven't seen Howlett on Networking, you have missed something . You may still be able to get seats. Mention my name. It might help.

OR You can ask a few clients to come as your personal guests. Of course, you will need to pick up the entry fee.

3. Sit next to your key people and watch what happens.The best part of this strategy is that even if your people can't make it to KDS, getting an invitation from you lets them know you were thinking about them. (it keeps you top of mind). And that's one of the best ways to get great word of mouth...offering value when you touch someone... being an "A" friend!

Below are a few emails that you may get from your clients afterwards.

I really enjoyed Dave's talk and I learned some very useful ways of thinking about how I interact with people. Thanks for sending me the invitation.

I am writing this email to thank you for inviting me to Dave's Talk. It was a wonderful, professional, and enthusiastic presentation in McMaster University last night. Networking has always been a little scary for me. I always have a hard time knowing where to start and what approach to take. I am definitely going to be giving out more compliments now!

Thanks for bugging me to go. That was an amazing speech Tuesday night. Man, it was as long as a feature Hollywood film! It's amazing that he can find enough content to keep people engaged like that.

Don't use my name - how would you respond?

Sometimes the danger of networking is that it reveals some hidden truths or mysteries...

Two years ago, I approached a friend of mine to find out whether he could introduce me to the president of his company. I had know P. for about 8 years in a variety of capacities (sports, Toastmasters) and felt we had a good enough rapport for me to ask him for a referral. I had just started working for my current company and needed to make some connections.

My take on word-of-mouth networking is that it's all about your personality, not your company or product. If you have proved your worth as a "good guy" or "nice person" then your friends and associates know you won't embarass them or endanger their relationships by introducing you to their contacts.

This is how the conversation went:

Dave: You work for ______________, don't you?

P: Yes.

(I asked a series of questions about his company, their products, their challenges etc)

Dave: You know, I would really like to do business with your company, is there a chance you could ask your boss to if he would take my call and give me a few minutes of his time? I don;t expect you to sell me or my product, but is it possible for you to give me an introduction?

P: I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Dave: Oh. Is there a reason why not?

P: I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Dave: OK

Today, I lectured at Seneca College and afterward had a student ask me a similar question. She mentioned she had asked her friends if they would introduce her to their bosses and their response was: "Sure, you can call them, but don't use my name."

How do YOU interpret the "don't use my name" response?

(I'll give you my answer after I read a few of your responses)

Some Straight Talk

Sometimes, we all need a friend who can be a little direct with us. Here's an email sent by an associate to a friend who had requested a warm introduction and then didn't follow up.

-----------------------

Dear ________,

I apologize if I sounded harsh today. I just wanted to you get the reality of networking which includes soliciting for help from others.

People will often go out of the way to help you because you're a nice guy with whom they like to hang around. I' m sure you get this from your friends as they have worked with you for many years and knows that you are a really talented, nice human being. Because you are always in contact with your friends, there will be many opportunities where you help them out, and the favour is returned. A nice circle of good deeds being circulated continuously.

But then you will meet people who don't know you as well. You will have to do more to prove to them that you are also reliable, and will do what you say you will do.

If you do not follow up on their help, eg you forget to call the person they refer to you , you forget to offer to help them back, or forget to show your appreciation... they may not help you the second time or ever again. When this happens:

1. Your initial contact is disappointed that you have not kept your promises and they are now reluctant to help you again.

2. Your credibility is questioned. If a 3rd person approaches your contact and asks about what kind of person you are, imagine what your contact will say.

3. The referred person that you were supposed to contact will also question your credibility as you have never contacted them.

You may feel that I'm over-analyzing the situation. I am a big believer that the world is small and you never know who you meet.

Word-of-mouth is a powerful yet unpredictable force.

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These are great words of wisdom from a straight-talking friend. So if you ask someone for a referral or introduction, make sure you follow up. And then thank everyonne involved.

Knocking down Silos in Biotechnology Magazine

A Good Guy - a Joke - a revised connection

Why do people email each other jokes? It has a lot to do with being "a good guy."

You likely get the odd humourous email in your inbox. Did you realize that a joke can strengthen your network and renew old connections?

1. Today I received a funny email with a surprise ending.

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruiting depot)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Some got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

2. As it was tasteful and a little funny, I sent it off with an introduction (and my signature block) to a few friends including Frank Golden. Frank is one of my "good guys", an Irishman with a heart of gold who is a natural networker and connector. He helps companies develop business in biotech and scientific supplies. I thought Frank could use a laugh to start the week.

3. 3o minutes later, back comes a note from Jim Schille, a nice guy who who I hadn't realized now works with Kenwaunee Scientific in Western Canada. I had lost track of Jim - Frank had forwarded on the joke.

4. I picked up the phone and had a great chat with Jim. I'm heading out to his neck of the woods (Saskatoon) in 2 weeks, and we discussed have a coffee or beer and finding a way to develop business for each other.

5. Then I called Frank and told him "thanks" and put him in this blog.

Summary?

a) An emailed joke can keep you in the "A" category (you provide value to your friends on a regular basis) rather than the all-too-common "B" slot (they only hear from you when you need something).

b) it should be be personalized (not a mass email) and appropriate (be careful about off-colour humour)

c) you can never say "thanks" too many times...but always with sincerity.

Kind words and a reminder

This morning, a google alert revealed that Jas Banwait mentioned me in her daily blog. I surfed over to http://jasbanwait.wordpress.com/2007/01/27/blue-with-confidence/#comments and read some kind words.

When the days get long, it's nice to know that you have impact in the lives of others. Thanks Jas!

BTW - if those thank you cards are gathering a little dust, please read the column today in the Globe and Mail's Facts and Arguments page. Sipping my coffee (no sugar, one milk) at Tim Horton's this morning and leafing through the paper, I was reminded how important (and long lasting) is the effect of the written word.

A quote to think about today:

"Memories soon fade, but in my hand I can still hold a piece of birch bark with a love poem printed by my father more than 80 years ago. "

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A mailbox or a mouse? - RUTH BEST

I carefully turn the pages of my scrapbook to the tiny yellowed envelope postmarked May, 1916. Inside, in childish pencil printing, is a letter my seven-year-old mother wrote to a cousin describing a birthday party. I pair this keepsake with her photo, one where she wears a huge hair-ribbon and stands with one ankle turned, in front of a snowball bush.
A tin box in our attic is filled with my grandmother's 1892 love letters. The two-cent stamps bear the image of Queen Victoria. Grandmother was teaching school in Dundas, Ont., at the time and had received a proposal of marriage from grandfather. She pens her reply as she sits beneath an apple tree on her way home from school. Her turmoil at leaving her beloved profession seems clear as she writes, "my tears fall like these apple blossoms."
I am not a "tech-no" and do use my computer daily but I wonder if letter-writing is nearly obsolete. Will our grandchildren have any such keepsake windows through which to glimpse their family's history?
Although I understand that everything can eventually be retrieved from my computer's hard drive, will future generations have any interest in sorting through thousands of mechanically typed e-mail messages years from now? I doubt it.

Snail-mail postage increases yearly. Days when we have no mail delivery whatever seem more numerous, and the time it takes for a letter to travel across the country seems longer. Are these portents of the demise of the hand-written message?
Despite my questions, I am myself a constant e-mailer and quick to acknowledge the many advantages of keeping in touch electronically. The news is immediate. I heard about my grandchild's first steps just minutes after he took them. With no stamps to buy or walks to a post box, I am less likely to put off letter-writing and can sit down at my computer at any time and contact a friend with fresh news. I am now in regular communication with those whom I previously heard from only at Christmas. Still, I cannot deny the frisson of excitement I feel each time I find a hand-addressed letter in my mailbox.
Inside could be a snippet of fabric from a dress being sewn, a square of wallpaper from a renovated room or a pressed flower from the garden. The electronic devotée will argue that all of the above can be photographed and e-mailed as an attachment. But I would miss the luxurious feeling of delicate silk slipping through my fingers, the true vibrant colours of a wallpaper sample and an actual flower that I could hold.
One of my most prized possessions is the handwritten diary started in England by my great-grandfather when he was 21 and kept until his death in Canada. Pressed between its yellowing pages is the fragile remains of a boutonniere he once wore, plus his description of a visit to London where he recounts his reaction to the chiming of the newly erected Big Ben. "The sound was so great that I could feel my whole body vibrating and even the skirt of my coat if I touched it with my hand," he writes in hurried cursive under the heading Jan. 31, 1857.
I can picture this young Englishman shivering in his long skirted coat on the streets of London.
I fit him into my own history just as I do the frightened young mother, pregnant with another child that will strain the family finances. Her letter to her sister requesting money I found tucked beneath the boards of a drawer in my antique dresser.
Inside a wax-sealed envelope, written in perfect penmanship on fine vellum paper, is the official indenture of a 16-year-old ancestor apprenticed to an architect. The flowing cursive strokes are like a beautiful piece of art. Remembering my own ink-splattered pages as I tried to master the straight pen, I wonder how long it took the writer to perfect this document.
I understand that now penmanship is no longer taught in most of our schools. Has handwriting has become a lost art?
And what about thank-you notes from gifts received, or the "bread-and-butter" letters required by my childhood etiquette after an overnight visit? I recall my own blotched efforts when after much prodding I dutifully wrote, "How are you? I am fine. Thank you for the . . .," followed by a shout to my mother to ask, "What did they give me?"
My grandchildren's e-mails begin without salutation, are printed in multi-colours, interspersed with smiley faces and are shortened to "thank U 4 . . .".
I am delighted to get them.
And I am almost as happy when a black e-card dog carrying a bouquet of roses in his teeth bounces across my screen trailing a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner.
Some of these e-cards are quite lovely: winter scenes with skaters silhouetted against a full moon, gently falling snow and Silent Night sung softly by a choir, or magnolia buds unfolding accompanied by the sweet strains of Mendelssohn.
Memories soon fade, but in my hand I can still hold a piece of birch bark with a love poem printed by my father more than 80 years ago.
And the long-ago summer camp letter from a nine-year-old son that reads "At 7:30 in the mornen we go for a wash in the lake with nothen on."
Or the Mother's Day card decorated with bits of lace and a large "M" made from silver gum-wrappers.
These are rich pieces of history I can hold in my hand and also in my heart.

Ruth Best lives in Dundas, Ont.

Rule #1

The first rule of being "a good guy" (and women can be good guys) is that you can't call yourself "a good guy." That's like leaning over in a bar and telling someone "I'm really good-looking!" Hey, if you have to keep telling someone you're good looking...you're not that good looking...

A buddy of mine shot me this email today with the above attached ad from a realtors website. See if you agree with him.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dave:

I sorta took what you said about good guys to heart…. Remember when you said that you can’t call yourself a good guy… this guy does and after what I thought was an excellent profile of himself he lost all his credibility when he says “I am a genuinely nice guy”

Don’t ya just wanna shake people sometimes…….. thought you’d geta kick out of it!

Cheers, S

Still not Convinced?

Thanks Paul Copcutt for sending this link attesting to the power of a sincere, specific and searchable thank you card. http://careerhub.typepad.com/main/2007/01/a_lowtech_strat.html

Let's help Brian out

Brian is the husband of a co-worker. Good guy. Background in sales and marketing. Was with Dun and Bradstreet. (Fitness fan: to be a personal trainer!) Please see his Outreach document and post any offers of introductions.

Another reason to keep track of all your contacts

How are your Mirror Neurons?

Cara Buckley's article in this week's NewYork Times discusses the theory of "mirror neurons" that may promote empathy and turn ordinary people into hero's.

Except for sociopaths, humans are built to feel and act out of empathy, said Stephen G. Post, a professor of bioethics at Case Western Reserve University’s medical school and co-author of “Why Good Things Happen to Good People,” scheduled to be published in May. Social support has always been important to survival, and people with strong social networks thrive more than those who are isolated.

Perhaps the key to being "good guy" is all about realligning your neurons.

Networking vs Strategic Networking

I chatted with two new people this week - both were relatives of associates, very nice people and both are in job search mode. Neither had been to my seminars and it was apparent they were challenged by the concept of "strategic networking." I had some conversations with both B. and R. and I thought this was worth a blog.

Networking

- email everyone you know and ask if they can help you (eg get a job)

- email your resume to everyone, including people you haven't kept in touch with for years.

- keep a stack of resumes to hand out to anyone you meet.

- rely on a friend/your Mom/your brother-in-law to get that perfect position for you

- recognize that "good things just sell themselves" and you'll get that position if you just wait long enough

- put all your eggs in one basket. Stop your networking as soon as you get short-listed for a job.

- get upset that you are unqualified because you are too old/young/under-educated/over-educated/not good looking enough.

Strategic Networking

- make a list of industries/companies or individuals you would like to be introduced to.

- buy 10 thank you cards and 10 stamps (minimum)

- put together an Outreach Document. If you are confused or frustrated by where to go and what to do to find prospects, try read this great book by Dr. Barbara Moses.

- pick up the phone and start calling friends and family. Invite them out for a coffee. Renew your friendship and then ask if they can help you. Show them this document and ask if they know anyone on the list. Ask how you can help them. Ask for permission to call these people and use their name. remember, these aren't job interviews, they are informational interviews.

- Start off with this script to open the conversation then have a list of questions ready.

eg how long have you worked for your company?

eg do you enjoy what you do?

eg how did you find the company/how did they find you?

eg where do you see the company going?

eg what are your biggest challenges?

eg do you see any fit for someone of my background and experience in your company or industry?

eg is there anything I can do to help you?

BTW Try to find something you have in common with the callee (residence, schooling, family, sports, etc) .

- send thank you cards to your friend who referred you to the individual and to the individual. Make sure they are specific, sincere and searchable.

- Don't be upset if people forget to return your call or are tardy in getting back to you. Keep the pipeline full. Be persistant but not pushy. Keep paying it forward and if you get down - keep asking people how you can help them. The go out and keep your promises.

Happy Holidays Everyone

(I can't say it better than this submission in Toronto's Globe and Mail by Farzana Hassan-Shahid who is the president of the Muslim Canadian Congress and author of the book titled Islam, Women and the Challenges of Today.

One good turn deserves another

As she helped me, and I tried to find a way to repay her, she looked at me with her blue eyes and said: 'Just pay it forward.'

The Wal-Mart in Mississauga can be a bustlingly busy place at Christmas or in the swelter of the summer -- or , indeed, at any time of year. It was on one of those hot summer days that I met Cindy in the busy parking lot of the massive department store.
For a while, she calmly observed the predicament I found myself in -- too many items, too little space in the trunk of my tiny vehicle -- and smiled occasionally. Perhaps she noticed my colourful South Asian garb and hesitated to make conversation with me. She may have thought I didn't know any English as the chatter in Urdu among my three children and niece was definitely beyond her ken.

Therefore, it was I who decided to break the cordial silence between us.
"We may have to make two trips to the house since we have so many items," I said.

"Where do you live?" she inquired. I told her I didn't live too far from the shopping mall.
"I can take you home," was her warm-hearted, instantaneous response. What a nice person, I thought.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Oh, of course. Just hop in and let me help you put some of your items in the trunk."
My three children were clearly intrigued by such instant generosity from a total stranger. I asked my son to drive my car and for them to follow us with the other items, one of which was a new area rug for my daughter's room.
During the 10-minute drive from Wal-Mart to my house, Cindy informed me that she was mother to seven children, three of whom were in her foster care. Only such a loving and kind woman could agree to foster three children, I thought.
Ranging from age 7 to 14, she must have her hands full -- but she still found time to do a perfect stranger an act of kindness.

She turned into my street and then into my driveway.

"Thank you so much, Cindy." I said, feeling somewhat inadequate about those words not doing justice to the spontaneous goodwill she had demonstrated toward me.
"I would very much like it if you came and met my family over a cup of tea. Let me at least offer you some tea," I said.
"I really have to get going to those children of mine," she responded with a smile. I thanked her again and invited her to come in once more. As she helped me unload my items, she looked at me through her wide blue eyes as she said: "Just pay it forward.
"Do someone else a good turn."
If we were all to adopt this as a motto for life, the world would indeed be a blessed place.

In today's world full of hostility, broken trusts, bigotry and rivalry, if we only learned to perpetuate simple acts of kindness, perhaps our troubled world would turn into a more peaceful and compassionate abode for all. Cindy made me realize that small acts of kindness could come with huge dividends if they were "paid forward."

She taught me a lesson that I wish to share with all caring individuals this Christmas season. I will probably never run into her again, but that blue-eyed, fair-haired woman who helped a strange woman from a visible minority in colourful South Asian garb, overcoming all barriers of race, language and ethnicity despite the mistrust and hostility that pervades our world -- she forever left an imprint on my mind.

Thank you, Cindy.

I need your help -

Hi Everyone,

I am writing a book on "Becoming the good guy*

* (or being a smart, personable, reliable, giving woman. )

It's about why people speak well of you, refer you business and open doors for you.

I am looking for the term (usually one or two words) in other languages that someone uses when they are referring business to someone else In Canada, it's often a "good guy." eg. If you need a lawyer, go see Steve, he's a good guy. Tell him I sent you!

It may or may not be a direct translation ( e.g. in French it is bons gars but in in Spanish it is chevere) . It may be generic (e.g. a mensch) or it could be gender specific (e.g. if you need a great doctor, go see Susan, she's amazing). I have also seen older phrases (she's really top drawer) and very new ones (he's solid).

If you speak another language or dialect or know someone who does, could you please find a translation for me?

All things are possible

Let me offer a version of the snakes-on-a-plane/lawyer-on-a-flight account that may prove redemption into a "good guy" is possible (I have used this anecdote in seminars to lawyers)

On a flight a few years back my seatmate was a high powered litigator from a major NY firm. Cuff-links, wingtips, power suit, the whole she-bang. I mentally rolled my eyes as the guy plunked down next to me as I expected the standard dog-and-pony look-what-I-can-do show.

Instead, the guy was the epitome of niceness. He jumped up to assist the attendant in closing the overhead compartments. He courteously left the center rest free for my arm. He proceeded to ask me some open-ended questions and expressed genuine interest in what I did for my company. Hell, he even picked up a soother an infant had dropped from the seat across the aisle. The guy actually wiped it off with a napkin and gave it back to the mother.

When I commented on what a nice guy he was, he told me his story.

In his words:

I wasn’t always like this. There’s nothing more intimidating to most people than a) a New Yorker b) a New Yorker who’s a lawyer and c) a New Yorker who’s a lawyer and a litigator. I beat the hell out of everyone as I climbed my way the way to the top of my firm. Manners? Those were for suckers. I used to enjoy harassing people in the courtroom and out on the street. Car service guys. Coffee shop waitresses. Hotel staff. What’s a few tears and some red faces? A squeaky wheel gets the grease and the way I squeaked, I got a hell of a lot of grease. Sure I pissed a lot of people off but I was a pit-bull for my clients and the money came rolling in. Rough around the edges? Hell, I didn’t even have edges!

The only person whose opinion really mattered was my wife. We had been married for 20 years and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. She put up with my crap because I guess she was used to it.

So one time I had to go to San Francisco on business and my wife wanted to come along to do some shopping. As usual, I harangued the staff at the airport counter for an upgrade on the flight, and when we arrived, I took a run at the car rental staff as well. By the time I was finished with the girl at the counter, I had another upgrade and she had a quivering lip.

So we are walking over to the full-sized lot and wife grabs my arm and stops me. She looks me right in the eye and says…you’re an asshole. You leave this trail of destruction behind you wherever you go and I have to tell you something… I am really ashamed of you. I never want to travel with you again.

My wife had never said anything like that to me in my life. I was severely shocked. It was a pretty quiet ride to the hotel. So I thought: I’ll show her. She wants me to be nice? I’ll be sickingly sweet nice.

My routine at a hotel is usually the same. I go up to the first room they put me in, and turn right around back to the front desk and complain for a better room. This time, I see this girl at the front desk who seems a little tired. I asked her how her day was going. She smiles and says she’ll be glad to go off shift. I ask her if I can get her some water or a coffee from the hotel lounge. She gracefully declines. I tell her my wife and I have just arrived from NYC and she says she would love to go there one day. I give her my business card and tell her to look us up and that I can recommend some great places to stay and some nice restaurants if she is interested. Guess what? We get the nicest room at that hotel I’ve ever had!

So now I’m thinking…maybe I can get nicer stuff from people by being sweet that I can by beating them up. So the rest of the trip, I’m smiling, I’m courteous, I’m handing out compliments, and people are actually talking to me. I start getting great service, some upgrades and my wife is happy …it’s great! And that was 10 years ago.

Then the lawyer looked over at me and laughed…yeah…that was 10 years ago and the best part is…I’m still a nice guy…but I don’t do it for upgrades or stuff anymore. I do it because I guess it’s the right thing to do.

"A Good Guy"

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

Thanks Nicola for submitting this.